Well, it has been quite a few months since I have seen you and I really just need to get it all out. Why? you ask. Well let me tell you.
2014 has been, for lack of a better word, a SHITTY year. Maybe not what everyone wants to read about in a blog but that is what I am going to write about. This gives me a place to say all the things I want to and typing is faster than handing writing (and it doesn't give me a bad hand cramp either!) Deep Down I know that God has BIG plans for me and my family and I am waiting, each day, for Him to show Himself to me but I must wait. Wait until He is ready. Until He thinks I am ready.
I believe the last time I was here I wrote about my daughter, Harley. How she was there and then she was gone. Born sleeping in April, two weeks before her due date. A perfect pregnancy. A healthy heartbeat. Gone. Since then I have suffered two more losses in my life. First, my mother. I want to write about her like I wrote about Harley. When I wrote about my baby girl, I was sitting in a hospital room with my mom. She had suffered a broken leg and was in the hospital in Abilene, TX. In the midst of all her hospital time, it was all of a sudden early June, Moving day was here for Ryan and I. Dad and I loaded up the truck looking all "Grapes of Wrath" like and drove to OKC, added a 16 Foot trailer and on to Wewoka we went. Ryan and I's new Home! In all the sadness that surrounded our daughter, we were actually looking forward to this day! The next day, June 7th, we would wake up to greet the movers. Dad only spent the one night and then quickly headed back to Texas to be with mom who was still in the hospital. (Things are a little blurry as to what happened and in what order.) Ryan's family was here to help us move in and after three nights of staying up until 4AM, 3AM and 1AM unpacking, Ryan's sister, Kiley and I were hanging a fan when I got a phone call. (during the time we were moving and unpacking they had moved mom to Rolling Plains Hospital in my hometown and she was doing well. The phone call indicated otherwise. She was having trouble breathing and they had to intubate her and keep her in ICU. I knew that I had to get back and see her. Ryan's mother offered to drive me down to Texas if I could just get to her house, about 3 hours away. I did just that. Went to bed, got up early and hit the road. What I was expecting to see when I got there was not what I saw! She was awake, sitting up, talking and smiling that Dorothy and I were there. Things looked good but I went ahead and stayed in town for a while.
Ryan came that weekend to see her as well. She and Ryan connected on a level that I can only pray that all mother and son in laws can connect on. They both loved to cook and were great at it. They both loved to give me hard time. They were both huge OU football fans. She was his biggest fan and he was hers! He would always get me to stay up late and talk to her, she was a night owl, when we would get in late from a trip to Texas and I was exhausted! He loved seeing me love my mom.
Upon further check ups it was determined that mom would no longer be able to receive any sort of Chemo treatment for her cancer, that the cancer in her esophagus was causing her to aspirate. It took me a while to figure out what that meant exactly but basically each time she would eat, the food would come back up and she would choke. Once they figured out that was happening it got scary! They started her on a thick liquid diet and then presented us with two options. The options were to 1) do a scope for a feeding tube and if they were able to get through then she would be able to eat or 2) just wait - no real food, no feeding tube. I prayed that the Dr. would be able to get through the cancer without rupturing and he did. He was able to get through and put a feeling tube in. At this point we knew that when she got out of the hospital she would be coming home on Hospice care. I called Ryan one night and cried to him. Asking him how I was going to handle losing my baby and my mother in the same year. Telling him I did not think I could do it and asking him WHY!?
We brought mom home after a marathon painting session. She had been wanting to paint their bedroom for many years and knowing that she wanted it that bad and this might be the last opportunity, dad called in a favor or two and we got it done. We got her hospital bed in place and got all the supplies in place and she came home. People came to visit, in and out. Sometimes she wanted them sometimes she did not. I think that she did not want people to see her like this. Helpless when she mostly spent her whole life helping others.
The first night was terrifying. We had taken the king size bed from their room. Dad was sleeping on the couch and me upstairs in my room. we had a baby monitor set up and I had the other end. Her voice was deep and scratchy and I am honestly surprised I heard her. I woke up that first night to "Hillary, Tom, Hillary, Tom, help me." She woke up that first night home in a panic attack. Thankfully we have a nurse across the street and she was able to tell me what meds to give to calm her down and keep her comfortable. We struggled for most of the time she was still with us making sure that well got some sleep. It got better when we were able to put my mattress in the floor in the bedroom. Dad mostly slept on the couch. He tried a few nights but still was not confident in his medicine administering skills so he left that up to me. During the day though, we had the help of Rachel, our Godsend, and Shannon a nurse along with other friends that would check in, Hospice and more nurse and doctor friends that would come by to check on her.
Watching someone you love in this type of situation sucks. Part of me prayed for her to heal and get better and part of my prayed for her to be out of pain and suffering. I don't think I prayed that she was gone but I did not want her to live her life that way, in a hospital bed on medicine and with a catheter and being completely out of it at night. I wanted my mom. My mom who I talked to each evening at the counter while she cooked dinner and my mom who would take me shopping for school clothes and my mom who became an instant OU football fan when I started school in Norman.
Things were pretty consistant at the house, we had arranged for some friends to take turns staying at the house with her so dad and I could make another trip to Oklahoma. After a garage sale at my grandparents home, dad and I decided to take another load of stuff to Ryan and I's new house. We left on a Thursday. When I left I told mom I would be back but not until after our July 4th trip to NYC for my cousins engagement! She was awake, conscious, talking, hugged me and kissed me goodbye. Dad told her he would be back on Sunday. We got to Wewoka and unloaded the back of the truck. We decided to wait until Saturday to unload anything else, when Ryan was home from work. Friday dad and I ran around and got some things at Lowe's and met Ryan for lunch and did what we could. In the midst of all the crazy we were also prepping for a dinner party. Dad says "who else would throw a dinner party in her new house that she has spent 3 days in while everything is in boxes besides my daughter?!" That's right. Probably NO ONE! The plan was to get together with a family who Ryan and I met in law school and have become very close with ever since. They were there for us with Harley and came over to help with the yard and the trees and things at the new place before we moved it. They are just wonderful people. We wanted to cook and hang out and thank them all for being there for us through so much. Little did we know that they were about to be there for us again…BIG TIME!
We had received calls with "Mom-Updates" Friday and Saturday and when I had go to pick up Kiley I had called again and talked to her. She wasn't responding at this point so Dad and I decided we would go Sunday and be with her until I needed to be in OKC for our flight to NYC! Ryan and Dad were unloading the trailer and moving furniture and Kiley and I were decorating and cooking when the phone call came. Rachel, mom's caretaker, called to tell me that it was time for us to talk to her and tell her that we loved her and it was okay to go. I was not ready to let my mom go, especially knowing we were not going to be there with her when it happened but we did not have much choice. Most importantly I wanted her to go and be with my baby, her grand baby and take care of her! We got off the phone and new we needed to leave that minute to try to get to Sweetwater as soon as possible. I came in, gave Kiley the biggest hug, started bawling and told her we needed to leave right then. Here is the amazing part. Almost instantly Kiley's husband, in-laws and brother and soon to be sister in law showed up.
Please check back for the rest of the post. Lengthy I know. Thank you for hanging with me as I write about this!
