It has been a while since I've been on here. Things in my life have been kind of crazy. Things are still crazy but I feel that it is time to update you on what has been going on.
April 8th, 2014 is a day I will never forget. It will be the day that my husband Ryan and I had the greatest joy followed by the greatest sorrow. I gave birthday to our beautiful baby girl, Harley Jane Pitts. She was born at 8:35am. She was 7 pounds, 4.8 ounces and 21 inches long. She was born Sleeping.
We went to my 38 week appointment with great expectations to hear her heartbeat and feel our baby kick. Things did not happen that way. My appointment was at 9am and I was already anxious. We were meeting with a different midwife. It was my normal midwives suggestion that towards the end of my pregnancy we meet some of the other ones in case she was not there when I went into labor. She wanted me to be comfortable with the others just in case. I knew which midwife I was meeting with and has heard a story about her and how a good friend had a bad experience with her so that made me nervous. I had a bad feeling about the appointment since it was scheduled but I was getting so close I was excited to have my check up and hear my baby. She was unable to hear the heartbeat. She was with a new midwife to the practice and I think they both knew what they were going to have to tell us so the new midwife jumped up and started asking me when the last time I felt the baby move was. Meanwhile the other midwife went to get the doctor. She told me she could not find what she was looking for with the little heartbeat detector. My baby was posterior so at my 36 week appointment my midwife, Deb, gave me some exercises and things to do to get baby to spin. They had brought the ultrasound machine in to check to see if baby had spun and so the Doctor that came in used that to try and find the heartbeat for a second time. She was unable to. At that point she told us "I am so sorry but I believe your baby has passed." She told us she would give us some time but thought that it would be best to head to labor and delivery at OU children's to triple check before inducing labor. My husband and I stood there and hugged each other and cried. We absolutely could not believe the words that had just come out of their mouths. We loaded up and drove across campus to OU children's hospital to check in. In the process Ryan called his boss to tell him he would not be in that day and I text my cousin a simple message that said "prayers please." She text me back and asked if it was my parents or peanut. You see, my parents both got diagnosed with cancer recently and so we have been battling with that. She also knew we were at an appointment for the baby that morning.
We checked in to OU and prepared to be induced. I had planned for a completely natural birth so an induction was completely against my plan. I also was in shock that I was going to have to deliver my baby, stillborn. They checked me in, gave me a gown and had a doctor come in to triple check with another ultrasound. Once everything was confirmed, that our baby has passed, they began to prepare me for labor. Ryan started calling our family and friends to inform them of what was going on and explained that we had no clue what happened to our baby. Family and friends drove from all over the country to be there with us. I am not joking when I say that. South Dakota, Illinois, Texas and all over Oklahoma. To be completely honest, I did not want anyone there during this time. I was scared and embarrassed and wanted to be alone. (needless to say after all was said and done I am so glad that everyone was there to comfort and support us.)
As we began to prepare for the labor I kept thinking "I just want to go home and come back and do this." "How long is this day going to last?" and "how long before I meet my baby?" I just knew it was going to be the longest day ever. They told us they thought we would have a baby by noon the next day and that just seemed SOOOO far away. Little did I know she would arrive before noon! HOURS before noon.
They first started the induction by putting some sort of medicine "up there" to soften my cervix. This was very uncomfortable and happened 4 times. Then they used something called a Foley Bulb. Basically it is a water balloon filled with saline that was going to help soften my cervix and it got me dilated to a 4-5. They would come in and tug on it every 30 minutes and once it finally came out that meant I was at a 4 or 5 and they would start Pitocin. That was when the pain went from a .5 to a 10 and fast! I was having contractions while standing in the most awkward positions trying to get comfortable. I sat on the labor ball for a while and leaned on the bed. One contraction hit as I had one leg up on the bed trying to get back in. It was intense. Ryan was there the whole time and was such a rockstar. He helped me keep to my plan to not have an epidural and I am so glad he did. He helped me with my breathing and even when the I kept asking for the epidural. Labor was pretty quick. I have to think it was God's way of making this situation easier on me. It was only about 20 - 30 minutes of really hard, hard labor and contractions before I felt the need to push and deliver my baby. The contractions started like mild period cramps and grew into hard and painful ones. I finally asked what my other options were for pain and they told me Stadol was something that would "ease the pain" but basically make me be able to relax between the contractions. That is exactly what happened. I would be in terrible pain one second and sleeping the next. After this medicine took effect, which was really fast, I was able to scream in pain and then sleep. I am so glad I opted for this instead of giving in to wanting an epidural. I don't think I really wanted it I think I just wanted something for the pain. I knew I didn't really want anything stuck in my spine.
When you hear stories of women that say their body takes over and when you need to push you NEED TO PUSH and nothing can stop you. Well, that is absolutely accurate. Once I felt the need to push my body wouldn't stop. I told them I was ready and they said to hold on and I basically said "Screw You!" I am pushing. I didn't really say it but my body did and wouldn't stop. I swear once I started pushing the nurses put their gloves on and just stood there. Then all of a sudden a swarm of people came in to assist. I started to push and baby started to come, she got stuck though. She was truly her father's child because she had her arm behind her head just like he sleeps! Her head came out and then they had to readjust to deliver the rest. They told me when I was pushing to hold my breath, tuck my chin and then push. It made it so much easier! Somewhere in there before contractions got really bad they attempted to break my water. I am still a little confused on what happened with that and where my bag of waters was and why they were unable to break it. That is the one part of the labor process that I will probably never know fully what happened.
Ryan helped me so much through the labor process. He was in my face the whole time telling me how to breath. I also attribute my breathing to the hot yoga I had started before I got pregnant. I learned how to breath and that is how I was breathing during labor. He just picked up on my rhythm and kept me going when I would get off track and "stop breathing." I never actually stopped breathing but I would get out of my rhythm and he would have to keep me on track. It really helped.
Once our baby was delivered they told us that SHE may not look exactly like a newborn baby because of the situation. That gave away the sex. We had kept it a secret and Ryan was supposed to tell me if it was a boy or a girl. The nurse caught herself but it was too late. They handed her to me and Ryan told me that it was Harley Jane. We took turns holding her. Later family and friends came in and saw us and her and held her too. I was so glad that they allowed us time with her. We took pictures and some relatives sang to her. My aunt sang her Boomer Sooner and Oklahoma. My dad drove from Texas and arrived in time for the birth. He was able to hold his first grand baby and see her and have his picture taken with her.
After they took her from us for a while they were able to take her weight and height and molds of her perfect hands and perfect feet. They also took imprints of them to make ornaments and ink prints for her baby book. These are keepsakes I will keep for every. Such a special memory of my little angel. They said she had a little bit of hair. Her head was misshapen and soft from being gone for a few days before delivery so they put a cap on her that we never took off. I asked the nurse after they took her the final time if she could trim a small amount of her hair for a locket my aunt got me. She did. It was brown like her momma. She had my nose for sure and her daddy's chin. At our last ultrasound they printed off some 3d images and we compared those to our baby pics. She was perfect. I mentioned earlier that the nurse said she may not look like a newborn. She has some blood on one eyelid and her lips were a really dark red color. Her head may have been a tad misshapen but she was perfect.
After a few hours they moved us to the recovery room. All of the friends and family that had been with us for the past two days followed us down there. We moved as a pack. That night they brought Harley back for some of the family and friends to see and hold. Most everyone there took the time to hold her and talk to her. That meant a lot to me, that even though she was not alive that everyone would still hold her as if she was.
They took her away that night and we were able to get some rest. I was only on a Motrin for pain and kept it under control. The next day we saw more family and friends before we were dismissed. We did get to spend some more time with Harley before we left the hospital. We held her and took more photos and talked to her. Her Meme sang to her. It was special.
This was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Thanks to God for helping me through the labor process and for bringing Ryan and I closer together rather than pulling us apart at this time. I am thankful for my family and friends for all their love and support during this time. I wanted to tell my story before I forgot all the details. I will never forget the day that I brought my precious Harley into this world but there are so many details I want to be able to share with her future siblings. I want to be able to tell everyone who asks about my story. You know, you don't hear much about stillbirths and because I had only heard of them but didn't know all about the details I want to be able to share my story. I never imagined this would happen to me. Now that it has I want to tell everyone who wants to know. I am thankful to my friends who have talked with me about Harley and who ask questions and want to know. I pray for Peace and Comfort for myself and my family and my friends who have been there for me and Ryan through this difficult time. Harley you will be my angel in Heaven forever and ever and I love you so much!
Here are some photos of Ryan and Harley and I. Papa Tom and Harley and Harley and I.
